Tag Archives: Humour

Confession

I have to confess. I have carried it for too long inside me. No, don’t mistake me as one of those who can’t keep a secret. I’ve kept lots of secrets (like Kumar Ritwik’s crush, or Anup Bishnoi’s fantasy or Sagi’s net worth). Haven’t told anyone. Not yet. (I was tempted, sorely tempted, but I held on.)

But this. This has gone on far enough. I thought I could secrete it in the farthest corners in my mind, where all the other bad stuff is. It was easy at first. Nobody even realized. Then things started happening. It was on facebook, in the newspapers, on TV. Anxious girls crying, clamouring, to get a glimpse, the constant updates from news channels, all the viral stuff on social networking sites. Everybody loved it. And with each status update, each news report praising the new phenomenon, it kept clawing at the back of my mind, enveloping my thoughts, and pushing itself forward. Its talons were cold and clammy. Soon it enveloped me. All I could see was “it”, laughing at my weakness that fateful day when I picked it up and leafed through it. I don’t know what had come over me. It was so enticing, erotic even. The smooth exterior beckoning to me. Calling. Enticing me into sin.

Life has been hell since.

And I have realized redemption lies in confession.

I did it.

I read Twilight. (All those who are reading this, please, do not judge me. It is in no way a reflection of my sexual leanings.) All the hysteria, the hype, it got to me. I didn’t realize at the time that it be the worst piece of claptrap that I could possibly have laid my hands on. Even Chetan Bhagat is better.

I swear it was a moment of madness.

And then I did something worse. I gave the book to someone else. Only to get rid of it. I only realized later that I had dragged him down into sin with me. If you are reading this, please, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry to have thrust on you that abomination. If we ever meet again, I hope you will not hold a grudge.

And just when it was fading from my conscience, I hit rock bottom. They made a movie on it. The posters, the “I Love Robert Pattinson” status updates, the fan clubs, the madness. It was too much for me. I had to confess.

“Forgive them father, for they know not what they do.”

God save my soul. Amen.

The Caveman

“Look at the filth and dust in your room!! Ugh! Can’t you clean up this mess???”. My mother was definitely in one of her more combative moods.

I turned a lazy eye around the room. Books lay haphazardly strewn over the lone table, a chocolate wrapper poked itself from beneath a debris of clothes lying in a corner, and the crowning glory of the room, yours truly, was lazily reclining on a bed on which lay an assortment of items, none of which you would find on an average bed. Indeed they were more likely to be found in your average trash can.

“All this is a consequence of man going farther and farther away from nature”, I said to my mother. “We men were meant to be one with nature. Ashes to Ashes. Dust to Dust. Isn’t that what the bible says? This obsession with cleanliness is just another path leading away from the real truth. Nature is God.” (The chap who said cleanliness is godliness must have had a heart attack if he had been anywhere near.)

Mom listened, gave a defeated shrug of her shoulders and walked off.

I returned to my lethargy.

Holidays?

That’s what i though too. until I got here at least.

Due to a wonderful system called CAS, I no longer have the joy of watching cable, instead having to contend with channels from the length and breadth of India and the globe which have nithing to offer, No espnstar, no star movies, no HBO, no star world. Instead I switch between a plethora of regional channels and thousands of B-grade news channels (and yes i do mean B-grade) carrying stories about everything from your friendly neighbourhood vamp to your local “MLA taking bribe” scandal.

What the HELL am I supposed to watch????

My biggest disappointment was not being able to watch Manchester United’s charge towards another historic treble. But I think I’ve solved that problem at least. Due to an excellent Interenet site, I’m able to watch live internet TV streams at almost the same quality. Long live underground sites!

Oh, and I almst forgot to mention my Internship. Yes, yes I got myself mixed up in an academic project :(. Big mistake as it’s turning out. I’ve had to cancel all my trips and the prof isn’t even paying me.

BooooooooooooHoooooooooooooooooooo………….

I HATE holidays!!!!

PS: all you uys who are enjoying their 2 mnths off, please refrain from commenting and adding to my misery………..

HS20002

For all those who have taken this course you might identify with what im about to say (or rather write).

today our class was about “Learning”. Yes, it isnt a typo or anything. What the prof told us today put a whole new dimension on the meaning of learning.

We started of normally enough. I mean as normal as a morning class can be. Prof trying to teach, students trying to sleep with their eyes open and the lot. But we soon stepped into uncharted territory.

It all started with a dog. The prof was trying to explain how learning works with an example. There was a dog. In a cage. The experiment started with some food being thrown into the cage. “What will happen?”, he asked. “the dog will eat the food”. Prof (visibly excited) “exactly. now what if we ring a bell before we feed the dog each time?”. “the dog will eat”. Prof (exitement dimming)”yes yes but apart from that ?”. A low voice from the back of the room : “itll probably need a poop”.

Prof (visibly put off by the lack of response) ” then we will see that whenever we ring a bell and dont give the dog food, it will still be expecting the food. Then what do we have?” Another murmur “one highly pissed of dog!”

<Cackles of laughter>

Prof (unfazed) “so we have seen how the dog can be trained to expect certain things if we condition it in the proper manner. Now in a variation of this experiment, if we put the dog in a cage and give it a shock at regular intervals.”

Three distinct murmurs:

“bechaare kutte ki to le li…”

“are yaar kutta apne pichle janm ke paapon ka prayaschit kar raha hai..”

“Now hes gone too far, Im calling in Menaka Gandhi and the PETA guys. Thatll teach him a lesson…and maybe paris hilton will adopt the poor dog.”

THE END